2016 condensed into one day.

9 Feb

5:15 AM- already fifteen minutes late, the dog shit on my shoes( or more likely I did), stub my toe on the pillow and blow a fuse turning on a night light.

5:17 AM- after poking both my eyes putting on shaving cream, toothbrush promptly catches fire even though it’s not electronic. Having lost only a half-litre of blood from various shaving traumas, am grateful that I decided to check in the mirror after triage and noticed my Hitler mustache. Needing to cauterize anyway, get rid of the stache with a blowtorch.

5:29- coffee maker decided to only make Flint water…I’m surprisingly alright with that..solidarity my peeps.

5:40- while I mop up the mess of the coffee debacle, I turn on the news and Trump is….

5:41- whilst sweeping up the glass of my formally great large screen T.V. I gingerly pick out my signed spring training Johnny Gomes baseball and after cutting myself…

5:45- after the defenestration of my formally good T.V. and treasured ball I proceed to pick the plastic out of the neighbors prius( made easier by the hole in the windscreen) all the time pleading with the sixty plus year old with bigger biceps than me to stop punching me.

6:03- sheriffs are finally here and they got the crazy lady off me but not before I got in a weak kidney shot on that Gawd Damn bully. Guess what was the ONLY thing they saw?

6:09- turns out that cop’s love to hear how you know your rights and the only thing they love more is when you mention their mom’s sloppy blow jobs. Did I mention I am a little silver tongued charmer?

6:11 to 7:45- after the black bag went over my head and in between shouts of how much they love my mother I may have blacked out here and there but I do remember that they couldn’t wait to hang out with me again when it’s just us…so I think that went well…

To be continued…



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