A Cautionary tale part 5

13 Feb

I am my lowest level right now that I have to find a place to live, get a new job, and sell all my instruments to even make it happen. And even that much is debatable as I am NOT giving up a 1965 Chet Atkins Gresch to make it happen. I’m about dancing on my feet about how it would be so fucking easy to hop a bus and go to Portland and buy enough heroin that they have to wake me to tell me I’m evicted.

I’m not going to do it because my stupid wife is promising to hang with me even though I caused her more heartbreaking shit that is incalculable to make the ledger balance. And she is not stupid…I just want another reason to go back on my words because it’s easy. ALL junkies want the easiest way out. Just let us nod out for weeks at a time, while we figure something out! Dammit…your explanation is just cutting into my opiate addiction you inconsiderate fuck! How fucking DARE YOU tell me that my addiction is getting in the way of our rent..take a second job.

Yeah, if my wife sticks by me while I am at my worst…that means that I am ..worthwhile? If I go back to being an idiot…well…I’ll make sure that she gets my life insurance after I walk in front of a fucking train. Don’t worry…I have no intention of doing it, but if I do…they won’t have time to hit the brakes and no one on the train will be hurt!

2016 condensed into one day part 4

9 Feb

2:01- after me and the HR guy are done posting memes to the internet, I decided to go into the general area of my work.

2:03- shit…shit…shit..it’s Peggy from accounts payable..fuck..fuck..shit..fuck…is she looking?.. Fuck..she is…oh boy…here she comes.

2:05-successfully convinced Peggy that the it’s probably a St Louis Cardinals fan kinda theft and I hate yogurt ( I LOVE YOGURT) anyway. Casually dropped Paperlions email and walked the fuck out feeling like a boss!

2:09-  Pushed Alphonse from warranties face in the water fountain after overhearing him blaspheme Saint Ortiz for not getting respected.

2:18- finally at my office..thank fsm!

2:18:05- my ex wife, my other ex wife and 20+ exgirlfriends and their lawyers were there and there was much rejoicing!!!!

To be continued..

2016 condensed into one day part 3

9 Feb

11:58- finally I can get a fucking shower. What a day and I haven’t been to work yet.

11:59- the water heater is out..thanks Obama!

12:03- after slipping in the shower and falling down the cellar stairs, I get the pilot started.

12:04- Roger Goodell calls because he hears that I am responsible for CTE and I kinda think he’s got a point.

120:19- my boss called and said I need to be there and this is the eleventh day off I took off this month. I guess I have to cover for the lazy chick who got fired for having triplets and already used up her vacation pay. I wish I got two weeks off with no pay after MY vacation! Welfare queens.

1:09- called into the office of HR…Uh oh!

1:17- after tripping a couple midgets, me and the HR guy talk about how I can do more for the shareholders. We both laugh and taze the guy we deem autistic because he always wanted to spend time with his family instead of hanging out with us cool guys. Loser.

To be continued..

2016 condensed into one day..part 2.

9 Feb

8:ish- the cell is cold but at least I am alone…yay, white privilege…whirlpool.

9:14- General population. Me and nine other white guys, all innocent, all in their for stupid reasons.

9:18- I am alpha male… I made up the most crimes so logically I’m the toughest. Will charge them to help script their defense pleas and all your toothpaste does belong to me. Also there might have been mention of a fucking no good rat.

10:33- after the pigs listen to how I got Edward to admit that yes, he did indeed not ring up the garbage bags on the self checkout at CVS, I am soon let out on the word of this good Samaritan called Bale Bondsman, and leave hoping fucking Edward gets life.

10: 49- Edwards girlfriend is coming in…shit..shit..shit..Christ, he showed me that pitcher a dozen times..that’s her..look away..nope, false alarm. It’s only his daughter and she IS kind of hot and she might just need a lap to cry on cause I got her daddy life. Nope..different daughter completely. She’s gonna figure it out.

10:59- where the fuck is the cab for shits sake?

11:05- after elbowing the rude pregnant lady out of the way I take the cab by myself while flashing a twenty surrounded by forty losing powerball tickets and simultaneously screaming fly you fool at the top of my lungs.

11:28- after having the cab driver pull two blocks from my house I proceed to make it rain with losing lottery tickets and giggling..you NEVER KNOW…you NEVER FUCKING KNOW..all the time being very cognizant of knowing.

11:36- upon arrival of my destination and letting know the house fucking bully Rose that I already got one enemy a life sentence, it is maybe not so smart to fuck with me. After ducking many pieces of quality pottery ( I would have paid for it) I put the key in my door and it doesn’t fit….

To be continued…





2016 condensed into one day.

9 Feb

5:15 AM- already fifteen minutes late, the dog shit on my shoes( or more likely I did), stub my toe on the pillow and blow a fuse turning on a night light.

5:17 AM- after poking both my eyes putting on shaving cream, toothbrush promptly catches fire even though it’s not electronic. Having lost only a half-litre of blood from various shaving traumas, am grateful that I decided to check in the mirror after triage and noticed my Hitler mustache. Needing to cauterize anyway, get rid of the stache with a blowtorch.

5:29- coffee maker decided to only make Flint water…I’m surprisingly alright with that..solidarity my peeps.

5:40- while I mop up the mess of the coffee debacle, I turn on the news and Trump is….

5:41- whilst sweeping up the glass of my formally great large screen T.V. I gingerly pick out my signed spring training Johnny Gomes baseball and after cutting myself…

5:45- after the defenestration of my formally good T.V. and treasured ball I proceed to pick the plastic out of the neighbors prius( made easier by the hole in the windscreen) all the time pleading with the sixty plus year old with bigger biceps than me to stop punching me.

6:03- sheriffs are finally here and they got the crazy lady off me but not before I got in a weak kidney shot on that Gawd Damn bully. Guess what was the ONLY thing they saw?

6:09- turns out that cop’s love to hear how you know your rights and the only thing they love more is when you mention their mom’s sloppy blow jobs. Did I mention I am a little silver tongued charmer?

6:11 to 7:45- after the black bag went over my head and in between shouts of how much they love my mother I may have blacked out here and there but I do remember that they couldn’t wait to hang out with me again when it’s just us…so I think that went well…

To be continued…


A Cautionary tale part 4…or lamentations of the fifties, just what the GOP wants back.

9 Feb

Cocaine….one of the most delicious of drugs. I remember reading of a story about I believe Bill “the rapist” Cosby complaining about Coke because it “enhanced your personality” and him saying “what if you’re an asshole?” and thinking…what if you’re not? Contrary of my posts in the last few years, I am usually a very jovial fellow, on drugs or off and that’s why I almost always got a pass when I was totally fucked up, I entertained almost everyone who I met because they found me endearing.

Believe it or not, even tomorrow I could come to your place (with an acoustic guitar, yeah, I am that person) three bumps of coke, a six pack and my imagination and you would put up with my “eccentricities” because I can be charming. The next day I would have paralyzing social anxiety because my fucking personality” wore off” and after making you breakfast that I was too sick to eat, would boogie on out of their homes as quickly as possible to make sure I may have another place to be manipulative to as many people as possible at fucking once!

Ha Ha, charade I are. I have ALWAYS got away with this shit because I am beautiful and am packing three inches of the finest …..let’s just say VERY few hamsters have a bigger joystick than me…like less than 50 percent. I digress, anyway..I’ve ALWAYS gotten many more chances than people who were more talented, smarter and WAY more handsome than me because of how coke and a combination of everything else gave me my personality. Without it I wasn’t as good a musician, lover, comedian…anything. I was just me and I hated plain old me…I suck.

Giving up that only made me try other things. I wish I would have tried pot and beer before psychedelics, opiates and vodka. Pot and beer helped me stop all the bad shit. Maybe more tonight, maybe not, but at least I have you to talk to Slappy…at least I have you.

Ima keep writing cause I don’t want to ruin faninterference

7 Feb

I spend 3 hours a day looking for jobs on the internet and 5 hours a day reading shit that gets my blood pressure up. Up until last week I wrote shit. Not one fucking word on my own blog. I am rapidly losing my fucking mind at a phenomenal rate and I run around giving thumbs up or liking shit instead of taking care of business on my own sounding board.

I have chapters after chapters of twilight fanfic and no one’s ever seen it? Kidding. I’m gonna post every single day now, sometimes more than once because I need to talk to me and tell myself to smarten the fuck up and ( I love how my spell check ALWAYS goes to Shilling every single time I type fuck ) I realize that I am the ONLY one who reads this shit anyway.

If anyone should stumble upon this train wreck of idiocy, well it may be public but I don’t advertise, but I have enough shame to admit that it’s kinda funny because it’s going to be a long slow crash. Yeah, I will embarrass myself, but at least I will take hostages.

Always remember and please NEVER forget….A life in ruins is a life worth watching and maybe gloating over, because chances are…you’re running for the gop presidential candidacy and I hate you anyway.

Covered and Cambria is a WAAAAAAAAAAAY BETTER band than I originally thought!

7 Feb

Man, basically, every album that’s been pressed is because the singer writes comic books! No fucking shit….comic books or gasp…adult graphic novels. Or as I call them comic books. But Damn. They are a awesome band if you download the best of or the essential Coheed. Every single song..all twenty are fantastic, especially if you play guitar and have an affinity for pick squeals..and who the fuck doesn’t?

This doesn’t count.

7 Feb

We have to give up our shelter rescue dog tomorrow. She hates me because either I look like the fuckface who hurt her or because of my whiskey voice she still won’t come near me even eleven months later. Still be damned if she doesn’t make me cry. I have to give her up probably one day before she would have maybe..just MAYBE gotten used to me. Actually, if my former wife is there, she would take a biscuit from my hands, but she would drop it twice before she got far enough fast enough.

She’s not gone yet but it still makes me cry. Great dog. Cute as Fuck. Her fourth home in less than three years. That’s on me!

A Cautionary Tale part Three

7 Feb

Damn, my wife and I are splitting up. Probably past the time she should have gave up on me. I’m always the one promising better results doing the same shit over again. I believe that Einstein said something similar about insanity? Whatever, she is going to be much better without my lies. She is happy ( not happy, but at least understanding ) that I’m not doing hard drugs anymore, but the constant beers ( I’m not doing shots babe! What? I’m still a dick?) and I get high on weed ( at least it’s not five grams a day of poison) and I expect her to congratulate me on my restraint?

No wonder she is leaving me. This woman kept me alive for 21 years and I lie to her on a daily basis. How many beers tonight? How many are left? Even then I lie about how many…even though she can fucking count! I’m too depressed to continue…. I will come back to this soon and it will be a five part series. It’s so hard to leave ALL this out there… trying to be the “funny” guy.

Okay…..anyway I was telling you WHY my wife is smart for leaving me. She’s leaving because I broke her heart so many times that it would be diminished returns if she didn’t. After standing on thirteen 21 times in a row she finally said ” WHY, why am I still listening to this asshole? Never fucking once did he take care of me, why should I listen now?” And for that I am ashamed to admit I have no idea.

I guess maybe it’s a lot of hubris…I lived the life of a rock star without ever earning it. Kinda like Poison…but with talent. I had thousands of dollars worth of musical instruments and knew how to use them, but when it came down to it…I would sell whatever I wasn’t using for the next party.

I feel dirty… I will make part four tomorrow.

I WILL disgust you worse mananna! FML.